Ask Aaron: What Should I Do With My Life?

in Comedy by Aaron Quinn — September 17, 2009 at 21:08 | 1 comment

Hey everybody, it’s time to pull out the old mailbag and answer some reader questions. I don’t have much time today so let’s skip right to the first question:

Thanks for taking my question, Aaron. I’m a 37-year old man from Texas that you created for purposes of this article. I don’t actually exist outside of your own mind.

Here’s my problem: Time is endless here and I spend most of my time floating in a pool of nothingness. I want to scream, but no one would hear me. Also, since you haven’t really given me any characteristics beyond being 37 years old and from Texas, I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do with my life.

Could you suggest any hobbies that I might like?

Bill Kingman

That’s a tough one, Bill.  I’m racking my brain here but I can’t seem to think of any hobbies that would be good… Oh wait, I’ve got one! How about respecting the person who created you by not asking so many annoying questions. You’re really starting to get on my nerves. By the way, you’re bald now. That’s right. I just made you bald.

Quick question for you, Aaron. I’m a 37-year old man from Mexas and I recently starting losing my hair. I think it just runs in my family or something. You know, just a normal reason that someone might start losing their hair.  Nothing too out of the ordinary. Ummm. Anyway, does Rogaine actually work?

Will Swingman

Will Swingman? Please. I know it’s you, Bill. Why would you change the name of the state you live in to Mexas? That’s not even a real state. And you only changed one letter, which is just lazy.

Also, I know that you were wearing a fake mustache while you were writing this letter. Did you really think that would trick me somehow? That doesn’t make any sense. I wouldn’t have even known you were wearing it if you hadn’t submitted that mustache glue receipt for reimbursement. You know why? Because I can’t see you! This is a LETTER. By the way, you’re legless now. That’s right. I just took away your legs. Enjoy.

Hi Aaron. Longtime reader here. I’m having trouble lately with some of my friends. I don’t like the nickname they’ve given me. Can you offer any advice? Also, is legless a word? I feel like it isn’t actually a word. I’m asking for a friend.

Lil’ “Stumpy” Bingman

(Sigh.)

The “Ask Aaron” mailbag has been discontinued.