A recent report from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration estimates that the average person will get hit by a car 3.7 times over the course of their lifetime.

As the following chart shows, that number puts humans in about the middle range among man and beast:

Average Lifetime “Getting Hit By A Car” Incidents

14.7 times   Segway Riders (13.9 times are intentional)
11.3 times   Mr. Magoos
6.9 times     Squirrels
3.7 times     Humans
2.8 times     Deer
1.5 times     Ghosts

So, it turns out that ghosts are pretty agile. That shouldn’t be a surprise though. After all, they’re dead and they have an unlimited amount of time to get their cardio done.

But hey everybody, we beat squirrels!

The truly good news is that as long as you follow a few simple rules, getting hit by a car doesn’t have to be such an unpleasant situation to deal with.

Here’s a quick refresher course on getting-hit-by-a-car etiquette:

1) Collect your internal organs quickly and discreetly.

Leaving your internal organs just laying around after you’ve been hit can be a real social faux pas.

Imagine that there’s a guy walking to work and he’s on a five-year waiting list to get a new heart. How do you think he’s going to feel when he sees you laying there whining about how your heart is getting all dirty on the street.

“Oh no, my heart is covered in gravel and I’m bleeding internally.” See how small and petty that sounds.

Plus, all that whining is going to make the person that hit you feel like a real jerk.

2) You own anything that becomes embedded in you.

Sometimes, if the collision is violent enough, pieces of the car will go flying everywhere. The good news for you is that anything that gets embedded in your skin is yours to keep.

Unfortunately, the kind of debris you end up with is just luck of the draw. And it usually favors the car owner. Honestly, sometimes it seems like for every 6-disc CD changer that lacerates your spleen, three tire irons get lodged up your ass.

Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself if the driver challenges you on an item. Even before George Bush signed the Spineders-Keepers Act of 2005, the law was firmly on your side.

3) If it’s a hit and run, count to sixty before you attempt to catch the vehicle.

Sure, if a car hits you and immediately drives away, it can be kind of annoying. But try to keep things in perspective. They were probably just late for an important meeting or needed to get to Burger King before they stopped serving breakfast.

However, the most likely scenario is that they’re challenging you to a game of hide and seek. So close your eyes, count to sixty, and then start looking. If you try to chase the vehicle before the minute is up, that’s cheating. You’re not a cheater, are you?

That’s it. Now go out there and get hit by a car. But make sure you do it politely.

Hey everybody, it’s time to pull out the old mailbag and answer some reader questions. I don’t have much time today so let’s skip right to the first question:

Thanks for taking my question, Aaron. I’m a 37-year old man from Texas that you created for purposes of this article. I don’t actually exist outside of your own mind.

Here’s my problem: Time is endless here and I spend most of my time floating in a pool of nothingness. I want to scream, but no one would hear me. Also, since you haven’t really given me any characteristics beyond being 37 years old and from Texas, I’m having a hard time figuring out what to do with my life.

Could you suggest any hobbies that I might like?

Bill Kingman

That’s a tough one, Bill.  I’m racking my brain here but I can’t seem to think of any hobbies that would be good… Oh wait, I’ve got one! How about respecting the person who created you by not asking so many annoying questions. You’re really starting to get on my nerves. By the way, you’re bald now. That’s right. I just made you bald.

Quick question for you, Aaron. I’m a 37-year old man from Mexas and I recently starting losing my hair. I think it just runs in my family or something. You know, just a normal reason that someone might start losing their hair.  Nothing too out of the ordinary. Ummm. Anyway, does Rogaine actually work?

Will Swingman

Will Swingman? Please. I know it’s you, Bill. Why would you change the name of the state you live in to Mexas? That’s not even a real state. And you only changed one letter, which is just lazy.

Also, I know that you were wearing a fake mustache while you were writing this letter. Did you really think that would trick me somehow? That doesn’t make any sense. I wouldn’t have even known you were wearing it if you hadn’t submitted that mustache glue receipt for reimbursement. You know why? Because I can’t see you! This is a LETTER. By the way, you’re legless now. That’s right. I just took away your legs. Enjoy.

Hi Aaron. Longtime reader here. I’m having trouble lately with some of my friends. I don’t like the nickname they’ve given me. Can you offer any advice? Also, is legless a word? I feel like it isn’t actually a word. I’m asking for a friend.

Lil’ “Stumpy” Bingman

(Sigh.)

The “Ask Aaron” mailbag has been discontinued.

With the recent news of Clyde The Cat returning home after a 2400 mile journey into the Australian Outback, the market for GPS devices for cats couldn’t be any hotter.

Over the past few years, there have been plenty of electronic collars released on to the market that allow paranoid cat owners to track their cat’s movements, but until now, there has never been a GPS device sold exclusively for use by cats themselves.

The GarminTom 2450 changes all of that.

When I first brought up this idea to my friends and family, they thought I was crazy. They said things like “cats aren’t smart enough to operate a GPS” or “cats don’t have any money” or “I don’t think I love you anymore.”

These are all valid criticisms, but I’ve thought this through.

While it may be true that cats are dumb and have no money, you have to admit that focusing on that kind of demographic has worked pretty well for WalMart. (Ohhhh snap, you just got burned Sam Walton! Burned!)

The key is that the GarminTom 2450 Cat GPS will have all the standard GPS features, but it will also have additional, cat-specific functionality. For example, it has an extensive points of interest (POI) database that includes the locations of over 10,000 dead birds.

And as a special treat for owners who buy the device for multiple cats, the 2450 Cat GPS will allow you to pinpoint the exact moment in your life when you knew that you would be alone forever.

If you love your cat, you’re going to want to go pick one of these up. In fact, I’m just going to say it: if you don’t buy it, it’s proof that you don’t love your cat. And unloved cats often turn to hard drugs.

Just remember our slogan:

“If you don’t want your cat mixing crystal meth into its Fancy Feast, get out your wallet and buy the GarminTom 2450 Cat GPS today!”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is well-known for using publicity stunts to get people’s attention and manipulate the press into covering their cause. But this time they’ve gone too far.

They recently announced that they want to rent a prison building that the state of Virginia plans to close and turn it into the nation’s first chicken empathy museum.

It’s a good idea, but it’s also suspiciously similar to a project that I’ve been planning for months. They must have had someone on the inside… I knew that person crawling around my apartment in a giant cat costume was trouble.

Someday I’ll have my revenge, Mr. Whiskers! Someday! (But not next week though, I DVRed Mad Men and I don’t want to fall too far behind.)

I guess I’ll go ahead with my big announcement anyway, but it’s obviously not as cool now because PETA totally stole my thunder:

I’d like to formally announce my plan to open the nation’s first McChicken Empathy Museum.

The museum will commemorate the time that I went to McDonald’s and ordered a McChicken sandwich off the dollar menu, only to be told that they were all out of McChicken sandwiches.

I’d like to turn that tragic day into a lasting learning experience that will teach people about the dangers of relying on employees under the age of 14.

The main exhibit will be called the Hall of Horrors, where museum guests will be forced to eat the remaining items on the McDonald’s Dollar Menu. Except for the double cheeseburger, which unfortunately had to be left out due to a deficit in the plumbing budget.

The museum will also delve into the darker side of the McChicken — including how it’s made. This portion of the museum will be based on a diagram I created after extensive research into McChicken production techniques. I’ve included it below:

I need your help to spread the word about this new museum. I don’t have the huge public relations team that PETA does, but I’m hoping that word of mouth will turn this project into a success.

It’s probably not going to be the best book ever, but I actually think it’s pretty solid. After all, kids love horses right? And parents are always looking for an easy way to hand down life lessons…

I’m worried that the cover gives away too much of the ending though.

It was a sad day for me because I was forced to fire my butler this morning. I’ve been hearing all about this “recession” on the news lately, but it didn’t really hit home until now.

I held out as long as I could, but it had to be done. I couldn’t do it in person though. It would have been too painful. So I ended up writing him a letter explaining that I was firing him. I also explained how he could save a bunch of money on his diabetic testing supplies from Liberty Medical. I thought it would soften the blow.

Wait, scratch that. I didn’t explain that to him. Wilford Brimley explained that to me. I guess I got a little confused. Cut me a break here. A guy doesn’t fire his butler every day you know.

Anyway, I wanted to send the letter through the post office, but I couldn’t afford any stamps so instead I just rolled it up, put it inside a bottle of Miller Lite, and threw it into the ocean.

In hindsight, I probably should have drank the MIller Lite first, but I don’t want to second guess myself too much here. Also, he doesn’t live near the ocean and is afraid of water. But now I’m just nitpicking.

I really hope that he finds the letter before coming into work tomorrow afternoon. Otherwise things could get a little awkward.

At least he won’t be able to get into my house though. I will never answer my own door. Too proud to do it.

I plan to gut my way through the recession. Don’t you worry about me. I’ve already transformed my robotic vacuum cleaner into a makeshift butler. It’s amazing what a classy sportcoat can do for a household appliance.

It doesn’t deal with corners as well as the old butler did, but on the other hand it doesn’t complain as much when I kick it. It’s a mixed bag.

Also, I save money by not having to pay for its health insurance. Although I have heard the toaster whispering about forming a union.

Here’s the scenario: Your plane has crash-landed in the icy Andes mountains. The only survivors are you and Mr. Peanut. How do you come out alive?

Rescuers will probably come for you, but it could be a while. Now don’t panic, but you’ve obviously got an “Alive” situation on your hands here. Luckily for you, your fellow survivor is one of America’s favorite salted snacks.

You’re going to need Mr. Peanut around, at least at first, to help out with setting up camp. And you’ll probably want him to teach you how to start a fire using a monocle as well. But make no mistake, eventually you’re going to have to eat the guy.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1) He knows you’re going to try to eat him. And he’s going to be kind of pissy about it.

If you’re wondering why he snapped at you about gathering that firewood, here’s your answer. It’s not really about the firewood, it’s more about how you’re days away from cracking his shell to get at that delicious, high-protein peanut goodness.

To counteract this, take an interest in something he enjoys talking about. Maybe you could ask how his stocks are doing. With that stylish monocle and fancy cane, you can bet that he’s an upper-middle class peanut.

2) Get that cane away from him as soon as possible. And beware the top hat.

You don’t want to be at the business end of Mr. Peanut’s cane. And both ends of Mr Peanut’s cane are the business end. Trained in martial arts at a young age — when he briefly considered a career in Chinese food — that cane is a deadly weapon. You’ll need to get creative if you want him to part with it.

Try breaking one of your legs and ask to use it to keep yourself upright. Or develop a “Survival Plan” Powerpoint presentation and subtly hint that you could use some kind of pointer for emphasis.

Mr. Peanut’s top hat is a wildcard and you’ll want to get rid of it as soon as possible. No one knows what’s under there. Some say it’s a Colt 45 pistol. Others say it’s the first two seasons of Blossom on DVD. Either way, you don’t want to be caught off guard. I suggest accidently starting it on fire.

3) Don’t wait too long to make your move.

This one is pretty basic, but a lot of people forget about it. If you wait too long, you run the risk of Mr. Peanut, your buddy/meal, catching Salmonella. And if there’s anything worse than explosive diarrhea, it’s explosive diarrhea on a glacier.

Follow these simple tips and you’ll survive this adversity without coming off like a complete jerk.

I went to Burger King for breakfast this morning and there were a surprising number of old people loitering in the dining area. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Also, I didn’t think much of it later. But there was a good 35-minute window where I thought about it a moderate amount.

My thoughts:

1) There sure are a lot of old people here.
And the weird thing is that none of them moved the whole time I was there. It was like I was standing in a wax museum, except that I wasn’t completely bored.

2) Why is that old guy staring at me?
Turns out he was dead. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s still rude.

3) How is it possible that they all have their own copy of the newspaper?
This one is on me. I just recently became aware of an invention called the “printing press”. I initially thought that each newspaper had to be handwritten by newspaper elves or minorities. My congratulations to Johannes Gutenberg on that printing press idea. It’s no cotton gin, but it’s still pretty solid. Also… Eli Whitney rules! He rules all other inventors! Suck on it Edison!

Note: My apologies to my loyal reader(s), but my computer was recently hacked by Eli Whitney’s great-great grandson.

Anyway, here are seven ways to cure procrastination:

1) Instead of doing what you should be doing, do something fun.

Life should be about having fun. If you’re having trouble motivating yourself to do something, it’s probably because the thing you’re supposed to do is really hard. So why don’t you stop stressing out and just blow it off completely. Go to the beach. Or if you’re in Alaska, go hang out on a glacier. If Al Gore is right, that glacier is only going to be around for another hundred years or so. Don’t let those shifty-eyed penguins steal all your glacier time!

2) If you’re not doing something because of a fear of failure, you’re probably on to something there.

Let’s face it, you’re not that great. In the back of your mind, you’ve always known that. Sometimes it just takes you avoiding doing your laundry for the fourth week in a row to realize it.

3) If you’re avoiding a task because of a fear of success, you should look at your track record.

Here’s an exercise for you: Try to think of the last time you were really successful. Visualize it in your mind. Now visualize it in your stomach. What? You couldn’t do it? See, you’re failing already. You’ve got nothing to worry about.

4) Break your task up into smaller tasks.

For example, let’s say it’s your turn to wash the dishes and you just can’t get yourself to do it. Washing the dishes is too big of a task to take on at one time, breaking it up will make it easier to accomplish. So you should take each plate and smash it on the floor until it shatters into hundreds of smaller, “easy” pieces. Then just wait for someone else to clean up the mess. Note: Make sure it’s not also your turn to sweep the floor.

5) Reward yourself if you’re able to complete the task.

It’s the proverbial carrot on the end of the stick. Except you shouldn’t actually use a carrot as your reward. Carrots are pretty boring and make terrible gifts. “Congratulations on finally graduating college! Here’s a carrot.” How many times have you heard that in your life? Okay, maybe at Bugs Bunny’s college graduation, but how was I supposed to know you would remember that. Nevermind, it’s too late now, my point has been ruined.

6) Make a to-do list.

Writing your goals down will make it easier for you to avoid accomplishing them, thereby freeing up time for you to play your XBox.

7) Do things immediately as they come up.

Doing something immediately, without thinking, is a great way to get things out of your hair fast. Important qualifier: Doing something immediately, without thinking, will not get gum out of your hair. Check out this page if that’s your problem. Have you really been reading through this whole article with gum in your hair? You really should have moved that whole gum-in-the-hair thing up in your priority list because that is disgusting.

Now that you’re armed with my seven cures for procrastination, you need to go out there and get things done! When you get around to it.

What follows is a harrowing and sometimes graphic account of the hours following a papercut I got recently. Read at your own risk.

9:20pm – I feel like I’m about to die. I just got the world’s worst papercut from a roll of toilet paper. My life is literally flashing before my eyes, and it’s really boring. You know what, I don’t remember my life having this many tampon commercials. Okay, I think I’m actually watching a Caroline in the City rerun.

9:35pm – I believe that roll of toilet paper was placed in my bathroom by some kind of international assassin. That’s the theory I’m working with right now. So many people want me dead that it’s hard to pinpoint who could be behind this. Fortunately most of the people who want me dead are funeral home directors. Somebody get me the yellow pages!

9:48pm – Okay, I’m thumbing through the yellow pages here. Mmm, pizza sounds good. No. I have to stay focused. Funeral home directors. Hmm. Here they are. Michael Smith, Ray Feltman, Jonathon Killaaronquinn… Oh, I’m never gonna figure this out. I need to hire a private detective, or at the very least a public detective. I’m not sure what the difference is. I have a feeling a public detective would be slightly less discreet, yet slightly more willing to accept Saltine crackers as a form of currency. I think I’ll just put some crackers on a plate outside my door now and see what kind of detective that attracts.

10:12pm – The saltine crackers were largely a failure. I found one squirrel who said he would take the case, but he didn’t have an honest face so I couldn’t go through with it. He still took a cracker though. I’m totally gonna blow up the tree he lives in now. When I take revenge on squirrels, I go big.

10:47pm – My papercut has started to heal. I think I’ve proven my toughness now, having survived this kind of adversity. I don’t want to make myself seem like some kind of a hero or anything like that, but that papercut was over three millimeters deep. Sometimes in your life you have to take a stand and mine is this: when it comes to describing papercuts, I will only use the metric system. It’s a long standing policy of mine and I refuse to back off of it under any circumstances. Unless someone baked me a fresh pan of brownies, then I would probably give in immediately. Yes, I like brownies more than the metric system. Sorry, Canada.

11:03pm – One last thing. A message for whoever tried to kill me: If you try that crap again, I am going to seriously consider warning you that I may in the future give you a pretty stern talking to. At your discretion.