Entries Tagged 'Comedy' ↓

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia is a great show currently in its third season on FX.  If you haven’t seen it, you should.  It’s the best comedy on TV since Seinfeld.  Here are some things I’ve learned by watching the show:

1) Forkstabbing is a legitimate method of exacting revenge.

2) If you’re going to claim a dumpster baby, make sure that the baby is not white.

3) Getting addicted to crack in order to get welfare doesn’t work as well you would hope.

4) The Aluminum Monster doesn’t always defeat Fatty McGoo.

5) And last but not least:  Rock, Flag, and Eagle!

It’s true.  You can look it up.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

- Winston Churchill

I wish I could agree with the guy, but I’ve just never been a big fan of pre-cooked or "living" pigs.  I like when they do that bacon thing though.  That’s a neat trick.

If pigs could pull a tablecloth off a table without upsetting any of the fine china on it and turn into bacon at the same time, then maybe I would consider moving them up in my animal coolness rankings.  Until then, they’re going to stay right where they’re at: just above porcupines and just below alligators.  Better luck next time pigs.

I went to Burger King for breakfast this morning and there were a surprising number of old people loitering in the dining area. I didn’t think much of it at the time. Also, I didn’t think much of it later. But there was a good 35-minute window where I thought about it a moderate amount.

My thoughts:

1) There sure are a lot of old people here.

And the weird thing is that none of them moved the whole time I was there. It was like I was standing in a wax museum, except that I wasn’t completely bored.

2) Why is that old guy staring at me?

Turns out he was dead. I don’t care what anyone says, it’s still rude.

3) How is it possible that they all have their own copy of the newspaper?

This one is on me. I just recently became aware of an invention called the “printing press”. I initially thought that each newspaper had to be handwritten by newspaper elves or minorities. My congratulations to Johannes Gutenberg on that printing press idea. It’s no cotton gin, but it’s still pretty solid. Also… Eli Whitney rules! He rules all other inventors! Suck on it Edison!

Note: My apologies to my loyal reader(s), but my computer was recently hacked by Eli Whitney’s great-great grandson. This blog takes no official stance on whether or not Eli Whitney rules.

First of all, if you came here looking for a way to cure your procrastination, you’re not doing so well. Clearly reading this post is just another way for you to procrastinate. There is no cure for procrastination. I can’t stress that enough. There is NO CURE FOR PROCRASTINATION. Hmm. I guess I can stress it enough. In fact, I may have stressed it too much there. It’s a judgement call.

Anyway, here are seven ways to cure procrastination:

1) Instead of doing what you should be doing, do something fun.

Life should be about having fun. If you’re having trouble motivating yourself to do something, it’s probably because the thing you’re supposed to do is really hard. So why don’t you stop stressing out and just blow it off completely. Go to the beach. Or if you’re in Alaska, go hang out on a glacier. If Al Gore is right, that glacier is only going to be around for another hundred years or so. Don’t let those shifty-eyed penguins steal all your glacier time!

2) If you’re not doing something because of a fear of failure, you’re probably on to something there.

Let’s face it, you’re not that great. In the back of your mind, you’ve always known that. Sometimes it just takes you avoiding doing your laundry for the fourth week in a row to realize it.

3) If you’re avoiding a task because of a fear of success, you should look at your track record.

Here’s an exercise for you: Try to think of the last time you were really successful. Visualize it in your mind. Now visualize it in your stomach. What? You couldn’t do it? See, you’re failing already. You’ve got nothing to worry about.

4) Break your task up into smaller tasks.

For example, let’s say it’s your turn to wash the dishes and you just can’t get yourself to do it. Washing the dishes is too big of a task to take on at one time, breaking it up will make it easier to accomplish. So you should take each plate and smash it on the floor until it shatters into hundreds of smaller, “easy” pieces. Then just wait for someone else to clean up the mess. Note: Make sure it’s not also your turn to sweep the floor.

5) Reward yourself if you’re able to complete the task.

It’s the proverbial carrot on the end of the stick. Except you shouldn’t actually use a carrot as your reward. Carrots are pretty boring and make terrible gifts. “Congratulations on finally graduating college! Here’s a carrot.” How many times have you heard that in your life? Okay, maybe at Bugs Bunny’s college graduation, but how was I supposed to know you would remember that. Nevermind, it’s too late now, my point has been ruined.

6) Make a to-do list.

Writing your goals down will make it easier for you to avoid accomplishing them, thereby freeing up time for you to play your XBox.

7) Do things immediately as they come up.

Doing something immediately, without thinking, is a great way to get things out of your hair fast. Important qualifier: Doing something immediately, without thinking, will not get gum out of your hair. Check out this page if that’s your problem. Have you really been reading through this whole article with gum in your hair? You really should have moved that whole gum-in-the-hair thing up in your priority list because that is disgusting.

Now that you’re armed with my seven cures for procrastination, you need to go out there and get things done! When you get around to it.

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Get them while they’re hot.  Only two made before the mold was destroyed!