Pat Robertson predicted Tuesday that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in a mass killing late in 2007.
I’m trying to be optimistic, but I’m pretty sure this news is going to overshadow my prediction for the coming year, which is that there will be a mass emailing late in 2007. My prediction also involves terrorists, but my terrorists are much less concerned about religious extremism and much more concernced about erectile dysfunction.
Much like Pat Robertson, Jesus told me that this would happen. And then he tried to sell me a bottle of Adderol for $1.27. What a ripoff! Buddha totally undercut him with an amazing offer of $0.78 for a crate. It’s like I always say, when you get deities competing in a free market, everybody wins.
Lindsay Lohan To Have Surgery To Remove Her Appendix
Lohan’s public relations team is saying that it’s because of appendicitis, but I don’t buy it. I think she’s having her appendix removed in order to make room for a second liver. I’m not necessarily saying that she’s an alcoholic. A lot of people need two livers. Like siamese twins or your local black market organ dealer.
You’ve got to keep a base level of inventory in the organ dealing business. That’s the first thing they tell you on the streets. For example, if the Marlboro Man comes around and you’ve only got one lung to sell him, who looks like a sucker? You do. I guess what I’m trying to say is this. First, are you a cop? Because if you are, you have to tell me. And second, does anyone want to buy a gall bladder?
Astronauts on the Atlantis space flight, which launched this week, add some loose bolts to the junk left floating in space.
I told the Food Network that a cooking show in space was a bad idea, but they went ahead and sent Emeril up there anyway. Bam! That’s the noise that spatula will make when it slaps Neil Armstrong across the face on his next space flight. “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for man- owwwh! Was that a cheese grater?”. That’s what his quote would have been if the foodies had gotten their way earlier.
And you know what, you can’t eat for $30 a day on the moon. I don’t care what Rachel Ray says, it’s a huge tourist trap. But if you do go to the moon someday, I recommend staying in a giant crater. Sure, you could stay at the Hilton, but the free continental breakfast there is not worth it. And besides, how often do you get to sleep in a giant crater? Also, all giant craters on the moon have free HBO. Where else can you catch the latest episode of Entourage while battling crippling hypothermia? And don’t tell me Mars cause that place only gets Cinemax.
Janet Jackson To Appear Topless On The Cover Of Vibe Magazine
This is not a good career move for Janet Jackson in my opinion. She has already been topless in the Super Bowl, an event seen by millions of people. Now she’s going to be topless in Vibe magazine, a magazine read by dozens of people who have already read all the other magazines at their dentist’s office. Is she just going to continue to be topless in smaller and smaller venues? Next week she’ll probably go topless in Cat Fancy magazine or something. It would have a even smaller audience and also would really confuse a lot of old ladies. Because I’m pretty sure that magazine is about cats. They’ll be like “Oh look at the kitten playing with a ball of yarn. How cute! Oh what’s this? Janet Jackson’s breasts! And not a kitten in sight! OH MY!” And then that hypothetical old lady would probably die from a heart attack. You want that on your conscience, Janet?
A jury awarded $61 million to two FedEx Ground drivers of Lebanese descent who claimed a manager harassed them with racial slurs for two years.
That’s quite a blow to FedEx. Sixty one million dollars is a lot of money. Plus, to add insult to injury, they just found out that their competitor, UPS, could have delivered those racial slurs in half the time and at one third of the price. That’s just better racism value for your money.