2006 National News

Pat Robertson predicted Tuesday that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in a mass killing late in 2007.
I’m trying to be optimistic, but I’m pretty sure this news is going to overshadow my prediction for the coming year, which is that there will be a mass emailing late in 2007. My prediction also involves terrorists, but my terrorists are much less concerned about religious extremism and much more concernced about erectile dysfunction.

Much like Pat Robertson, Jesus told me that this would happen. And then he tried to sell me a bottle of Adderol for $1.27. What a ripoff! Buddha totally undercut him with an amazing offer of $0.78 for a crate. It’s like I always say, when you get deities competing in a free market, everybody wins.

Lindsay Lohan To Have Surgery To Remove Her Appendix
Lohan’s public relations team is saying that it’s because of appendicitis, but I don’t buy it. I think she’s having her appendix removed in order to make room for a second liver. I’m not necessarily saying that she’s an alcoholic. A lot of people need two livers. Like siamese twins or your local black market organ dealer.

You’ve got to keep a base level of inventory in the organ dealing business. That’s the first thing they tell you on the streets. For example, if the Marlboro Man comes around and you’ve only got one lung to sell him, who looks like a sucker? You do. I guess what I’m trying to say is this. First, are you a cop? Because if you are, you have to tell me. And second, does anyone want to buy a gall bladder?

Astronauts on the Atlantis space flight, which launched this week, add some loose bolts to the junk left floating in space.

I told the Food Network that a cooking show in space was a bad idea, but they went ahead and sent Emeril up there anyway. Bam! That’s the noise that spatula will make when it slaps Neil Armstrong across the face on his next space flight. “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for man- owwwh! Was that a cheese grater?”. That’s what his quote would have been if the foodies had gotten their way earlier.

And you know what, you can’t eat for $30 a day on the moon. I don’t care what Rachel Ray says, it’s a huge tourist trap. But if you do go to the moon someday, I recommend staying in a giant crater. Sure, you could stay at the Hilton, but the free continental breakfast there is not worth it. And besides, how often do you get to sleep in a giant crater? Also, all giant craters on the moon have free HBO. Where else can you catch the latest episode of Entourage while battling crippling hypothermia? And don’t tell me Mars cause that place only gets Cinemax.

Janet Jackson To Appear Topless On The Cover Of Vibe Magazine

This is not a good career move for Janet Jackson in my opinion. She has already been topless in the Super Bowl, an event seen by millions of people. Now she’s going to be topless in Vibe magazine, a magazine read by dozens of people who have already read all the other magazines at their dentist’s office. Is she just going to continue to be topless in smaller and smaller venues? Next week she’ll probably go topless in Cat Fancy magazine or something. It would have a even smaller audience and also would really confuse a lot of old ladies. Because I’m pretty sure that magazine is about cats. They’ll be like “Oh look at the kitten playing with a ball of yarn. How cute! Oh what’s this? Janet Jackson’s breasts! And not a kitten in sight! OH MY!” And then that hypothetical old lady would probably die from a heart attack. You want that on your conscience, Janet?

A jury awarded $61 million to two FedEx Ground drivers of Lebanese descent who claimed a manager harassed them with racial slurs for two years.

That’s quite a blow to FedEx. Sixty one million dollars is a lot of money. Plus, to add insult to injury, they just found out that their competitor, UPS, could have delivered those racial slurs in half the time and at one third of the price. That’s just better racism value for your money.

Parents who are strict disciplinarians are far more likely to wind up with children who are fat by age six, perhaps because the youngsters over-eat as a reaction to stress, a study said on Monday.

So if you have kids and you want to discipline them, you should do it using rice cakes. As in “If you don’t make your bed, I’ll make you eat rice cakes.”. And then if they do actually make their bed, you should still make them eat rice cakes. Sure, it will destroy the trust between you and your child, but it will make a really awesome story for the next neighborhood association meeting. Plus your kid will have learned two important lessons. One, making your bed can only result in disappointment. And two, rice cakes taste like paper-mache frisbees. It took me twenty-four years to learn that. You lied to me Rachael Harris, you lied to me.

Truth proved to be stranger than fiction for a high school criminology class investigating a fake crime scene when the students discovered a real body during a field trip.

I don’t get why this is news. Pretty much every field trip I went on in high school I ended up finding a dead body. Of course all my field trips were to funeral homes, but it was still shocking to see that kind of thing. The prices on the caskets were astronomical! And that’s when I decided, right then and there, that when I die I want to be cremated. And then I want to be put in the most expensive casket available. When I’m dead I plan to really start throwing my money around like that. Also, I would want someone to cremate my pet hamster right away, dead or alive. I’ll have no hamster widows on my watch.

Doctors in Shanghai are considering surgery options for a two-month old boy born with an unusually well-formed third arm.

Now I’m no doctor but I think that the best option in this case is to add a fourth arm and tell the parents they actually had twins. If they start asking questions I would just tell them that I’m going out of town for a few weeks and then I would never come back. I guess that’s why I’m no doctor. Some guy from Brooklyn used that expression, “I’m no doctor”, once when he was talking to me. I misunderstood his accent and thought he said “I’m nose doctor”. I overlooked the lack of an indefinite article in that sentence and he gave me a nose job. Probably not a good idea. He later became Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. You win some, you lose some…

Barbaro, a racehorse, underwent more than five hours of surgery Sunday to repair rear leg bones he’d broken in the Preakness, calmly awoke from anesthesia and “practically jogged back to his stall” for something to eat. His survival, however, is still 50-50.

So this horse has a 50-50 chance of surviving after it broke its leg in a horse race on Saturday. That’s pretty rough. That’s really no good for anyone. Except glue manufacturers I guess. It’s a pretty extreme gap between the two options for that horse. Either it gets put out to stud or gets made into a glue stick. That’s like if someone told me “Hey Aaron, you have two options. The first option is this: You get put out to stud. The second option is: You’re made into a glue stick.” Okay, you probably guessed it already. Yes, someone did actually give me that choice. I was in elementary school. They mistook me for a horse. I know I have a long face but I don’t think I deserved that. I wondered why that guy kept trying to feed me oats all day. I just thought he was concerned about my nutrition!

A 7-year-old Arizona boy swam from Alcatraz Island to the city in 47 minutes Monday, where his father lifted him from the chilly waters. The second-grader was greeted at the finish by reporters, photographers and well-wishers.

That kid is a pretty advanced swimmer for his age. I can relate. I got started young too. I actually first learned to swim at my baptism. The priest dunked me in the holy water and got distracted. He thought he saw Jesus hiding behind one of the pews. Turns out it was a bum. Anyway, I had to swim just to survive. I got so much holy water up my nose that when I laughed later that day I shot the Holy Ghost out of my left nostril. I can still swim pretty well to this day, but not nearly as blasphemously…

Lithuanian police said 41-year-old Vidmantas Sungaila registered 7.27 grams per liter of alcohol in his blood (18 times the legal limit) repeatedly on different devices after he was pulled over Saturday for driving his truck down the center of a two-lane highway.

I think that guy actually has more alcohol in his blood than a bottle of Miller Lite. So the next time you’re out on the town and you need to get drunk fast, ask your bartender for a Vidmantas Sungaila. Or try new Vidmantas Sungaila Light. You won’t regret it. Unless you try to drive. Then you probably will. Unless you drive a moped. You could probably pull that off.

Drinking lemonade could help prevent painful kidney stones, new research shows.

Other research shows that drinking pink lemonade can help prevent gay kidney stones. Okay, that’s not true. But the lemonade thing is. People say that passing kidney stones is as painful for a guy as giving birth is for a woman. So if you think about it lemonade is kind of like male birth control. Except it doesn’t work for babies, so I guess it’s not like that at all. But if it were that’d be pretty interesting. Okay maybe not. But lemon farmers would like it at least. If such people exist. I’m not a lemon expert. Sorry.

A study in the Journal of Pediatric Psychiatry found that overweight kids who could benefit from sports and regular exercise are often discouraged from doing so by taunts and bullying.

I really hope that this study doesn’t give all bullies a bad name. They don’t all use their talent for evil. Take me for example, I was never overweight as a child and I owe it all to the kids who used to bully me. They use to taunt me mercilessly about not eating all my vegetables and not doing my yoga exercises. I can still hear their voices screaming in my ear: “Look at the little baby, he doesn’t even know how to stay within the daily recommended caloric intake requirement proposed by the US Department of Agriculture! Copyright 1990.” Obviously those guys were health nuts. And concerned about intellectual property rights as well. Really well-informed bullies. I consider myself lucky to have given them my lunch money…

Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch zoo in front of horrified visitors. The park plans now to move the monkeys to another part of the park.

That must have been tough for people to watch. Zoo visitors always love to watch the monkeys. Maybe the bears were jealous. But in their defense, the zoo didn’t give them much choice but to eat that monkey. The zookeeper hadn’t been grocery shopping for the bears in weeks so all they had lying around was some Saltine crackers, a box of Bisquick, and a Tofurkey left over from Thanksgiving. The bears were sick of crackers, they had no eggs or milk for the Bisquick, and they were smart enough to know that a monkey tastes better than a tofurkey. Even an orangutan tastes better than tofurkey, and those things taste like crap. I’ve heard. Bears have a long history of eating monkeys anyway. Just look at Yogi Bear. What did you think was in those pic-a-nic baskets? That’s right. It was monkeys. The truth hurts…

A campground at Natural Bridges National Monument has been closed because of bubonic plague detected among field mice and chipmunks. National Park Service officials said there never has been a reported human case of bubonic plague originating from the parks or national monuments.

How soon you forget National Park Service officials. How soon you forget. Don’t you remember last year when I got the bubonic plague from Old Faithful at Yosemite? It happens more often than those park rangers would have you believe. They should change that geyser’s name to Old Diseaseful! Actually, no they shouldn’t. That was a horrible idea by me. I’m sorry. That’s the bubonic plague talking. Centuries ago it killed millions of people, but it’s been weakened over the years. Now it just destroys its victim’s ability to come up with clever replacement names for national park geysers. So the doctors say they’re pretty sure I’ll go on to lead a full and productive life. Well, a full one anyway.

Richard Hatch, who won $1 million in the inaugural season of CBS’ Survivor, was sentenced Tuesday to 51 months in prison for failing to pay income tax on his prize and other earnings.

Sure, I could go for the easy prison rape joke here (I’m looking in your direction Leno), but I feel like I’m above that at this point in my life. I’ve decided I’m also above paying my income taxes. You might think that this story would serve as a cautionary tale against trying to beat the IRS. You would be wrong. I’m pretty sure I can pull it off. I’ve already skipped last year’s tax season. Richard Hatch’s mistake was telling everyone about his plan. I’m smarter than that. Wait, you don’t think the IRS reads this website do you? I’m sure it’ll be fine. Oh crap, I just accidentally emailed the entire contents of my hard drive to the IRS. I knew I shouldn’t have added them to my address book… Ummm, on a totally unrelated note, does anyone have fifteen hundred dollars I could borrow? It’s for lawyers… and candy. Mostly lawyers though. I’m in the kind of trouble that even a Three Musketeers bar can’t save me from. Unless it really knew its tax law.

A quarter of all fish in streams of 12 western states are non-native, according to the U.S. Geological Survey.

Great. First the immigrant people start pouring over the borders and now the fish are joining in. These “immigrant” fish are taking the jobs of our U.S. born fish. And they’re not just taking fish landscaping jobs either; they’re going after the best jobs. They come into our American streams and become fish CEOs, fish doctors, fish sticks… Yeah, fish stick is a prestigious job for fish these days. The pay isn’t great, and sure you have to deal with all that breading, but the health insurance is excellent. Twenty dollar co-pay. Pick your own doctor. That kind of thing is unheard of in the streams these days. So in a show of support for our fish patriots, I pledge to only eat American-born fish from now on. In fact, I’ll go even further. I’ll only eat American-born fish who are members of the Toby Keith fan club. Luckily for my stomach, he’s very popular with fish.

Lillian Gertrud Asplund, the last American survivor of the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, has died, a funeral home said Sunday. She was 99.

I’m sad to hear this. I’ve always felt a kinship with this woman over the years. While on the Titanic she narrowly escaped death from an iceberg. I had a similar near-death experience several years ago when I almost choked on an iceberg salad. It’s like we were twins! I still have nightmares about radishes sometimes…

A customer at TGI Fridays found a piece of a finger in his burger.

I wonder how often this happens to a customer who happens to be a cannibal. If it has happened, we would probably never know. The cannibal would see that finger and just be like “Bonus!”. And he would probably leave an extra big tip. Everybody would be happy in that situation. Except for maybe the guy who lost his finger. If the waitress has any sense of fairness at all, she should split the tip with that guy. In my opinion anyway. But what do I know. I’m not a waitress, I have all my fingers, and I don’t eat people… (product placement) without my bottle of A1 Steak Sauce. A1 Steak Sauce - “It’s not just for non-cannibals anymore”.

The host of the Discovery Channel show “Stunt Junkies” was fired after he was caught trying to parachute off the top of the Empire State building.

This guy deserved to be fired. He’s just not using his head. He’s nuts. You don’t jump off the side of a 1400 ft tall building. You go up even higher until you’re in the clouds and then you jump out the moving plane and risk getting sucked into the turbines. At least that’s what sane people do. Use your head “Stunk Junkie”.

Keith Richards was hospitalized with a concussion. Reports vary on whether he crashed his jet-ski or fell out of a palm tree.

Maybe it was both. Maybe he crashed his jet-ski onto the top of a palm tree and then fell out of it. Lord knows I’ve done it a million times. I’m a poor jet-ski driver. I’ve landed on all kinds of trees - oak, maple, pine - I’ve landed on them all and then fallen out of all of them. In fact, my horrible jet-skiing skills are responsible for destroying most of the rainforest. And you guys thought it was loggers! One time my fall was broken by a rare species of tree frog. It’s even rarer now. And another time I landed on top of a treehouse built by a bunch of 8th graders. I tried to crawl inside and they said “No Girls Allowed”. I tried to explain that I wasn’t a girl but they insisted that I was. So I gave them all wedgies and called their parents.

Halle Berry said that she wants to adopt a child someday.

First Angelina Jolie and now Halle Berry. Doesn’t she care about the future of this country at all. If attractive celebrities don’t pass on their top-notch genes to the next generation, it will be a disaster. It’s actually possible that this adoption trend will cause trashy tabloid magazines, like US Weekly and Star, to go extinct. And it worries me because that’s what killed the dinosaurs. It wasn’t a drastic climate change or a giant asteroid hitting earth, they just ran out of stuff to read. And don’t even mention books as an option. Everyone knows dinosaurs could only read magazines… and timeshare brochures. Those dinosaurs were great at selling timeshares. In fact, I know a Stegasaurus who can put you in a Florida townhouse tomorrow. If he wasn’t extinct he could anyway. Your actions have consequences Halle Berry, try to remember that…

German Catholic leaders launched legal steps to prevent youth music channel MTV from broadcasting a controversial cartoon series which depicts the Pope as a pogo-stick-riding maniac.

I grew up Catholic and I have to say that I am a little upset about this cartoon myself. Not for religious reasons though, I just can’t defend a cartoon that promotes the use of pogo-sticks for entertainment. Pogo-sticks have to be the worst toy ever invented. Hey look at me I’m on a pogo-stick! I can bounce around for five seconds until my feet slip off and then I’ll get back on it and practice until I can complete ten consecutive pogo bounces. But then after all that work I’ll realize that it wasn’t worth it at all since I could get the same exact amount of entertainment just by using my legs to jump around.

Therefore, the only people who could possibly enjoy pogo-sticks would be people in wheelchairs since they don’t have working legs. And I’m no engineer but I think a wheelchair pogo-stick would probably be pretty complicated to make and dangerous to use. If I saw someone in a wheelchair and on a pogo-stick I would think “Wow, that disabled guy is really ambitious and hard-working.” So I guess quadriplegics could use pogo-sticks to impress people at job interviews. That’s one good thing about them.

According to a recent poll, one-third of young Americans can’t find Louisiana on a map.

That’s discouraging. Our country’s schools are obviously failing us. I can only speak for myself, but I think that this poll is a bit off though. I believe a lot more people can find Louisiana on a map than the poll implies. I’m in the 18-24 age bracket and I know where Louisiana is. It’s right next to Alaska. Duh. I did actually go on vacation to Boston once though so I guess I have more experience with Louisiana than most. Hey, if you ever go to Louisiana, you have to see the Space Needle. It’s pretty much required by law for tourists traveling through the state. Look at me, I’m practically a Louisiana travel agent with the way I’m going on and on about the place. So why don’t you just charter a boat already (it’s surrounded by water on all sides) and don’t forget to bring me back one of those Mount Rushmore souvenirs!

The Wisconsin Department of Transportation is rolling out a campaign, called Click It or Ticket, that aims to increase seat belt use.

I think it actually aims to annoy me. I’m getting bombarded by ads for this campaign and it’s driving me nuts. I just don’t think that this campaign is doing any good. People who aren’t buckling up won’t do it just because a TV commercial tells them too. I haven’t heard a good reason for this campaign to be out there. The most common justification that people give when I mention it is that it stops people from being so upset when they get a ticket for not wearing a seat belt. This seems unlikely too. Some guy gets a ticket: “I am really upset about this ticket. Really upset. The only thing that could console me right now is if the Wisconsin Department of Transportation had previously launched a multi-million dollar advertising campaign which utilizes radio, television and print media and is funded by my own tax dollars. Oh they did. Well then I deserve this. My apologies.”

A man from Mexico, who weighs over 1200 lbs, will attempt to travel to Italy for a life-saving operation.

The guy may be 1212 lbs, but he carries it well. If you saw him you’d swear he was only 1112 lbs.

Scientists have discovered that black holes are 25 times more energy-efficient than anything man has built.

Go ahead, rub it in. This is just another in a long line of attacks against my refrigerator. It’s doing the best it can scientists! I’d like to see a black hole try to keep an apple at the correct temperature for a week sometime. It’d probably send the apple back in time or something stupid like that and have it fall on Sir Isaac Newton’s head, thereby causing him to discover gravity. And he’s already done that once, so that’d be a pretty worthless thing for it to do.

Researchers are working on developing an artificial arm that moves using wireless technology controlled by the person’s mind.

It’s great that people with artificial limbs are getting closer to being able to use this kind of thing, but I see some problems. We haven’t exactly mastered wireless technology at this point, just look at cell phones. I’m worried that some poor disabled child with this bionic arm would stop raising his hand in class just to avoid roaming charges.

NBC’s “Meet the Press” and host Tim Russert marked a milestone this week: 260 consecutive weeks - five years - as the most popular Sunday morning public-affairs program.

That’s certainly something to be proud of considering the glut of Sunday morning public-affairs programs. Television needs another one of those shows like I need a hole in the head. But I actually do need a hole in the head… to relieve intracranial pressure. I should not have injected that helium into my skull. Sure, it made the voice in my head comically high-pitched for a few minutes, but at what price? Thirty-five dollars for the tank. Oh crap, I think that was supposed to be a rhetorical question…

A pay-per-view séance was broadcast where a psychic claimed to have made contact with the spirit of John Lennon. Lennon supposedly told the psychic “Peace… The Message is Peace.”

Thanks a lot Lennon. You said that that peace is the answer. Like I haven’t heard that from you a million times already. Think about it, you came back down to earth from heaven just to say the same thing as the bumper sticker on every Volkswagen Beetle. In Lennon’s defense, I don’t think that the psychic they hired was very good. The first half-hour was filled with rookie psychic mistakes. To start things off he accidentally called the spirit of Vladimir Lenin. That was pretty awkward. I think Lenin’s messages were “Get me out of that mausoleum.” and “Go communism!” And then the psychic called the spirit of John Lennon of Boston, Massachusetts. And he just used the telephone, which is pretty embarrassing for a psychic. Then he didn’t even figure out that he was talking to the wrong John Lennon until the guy said “The Red Sox are gonna be wicked awesome this year!”. Everyone knows that the real John Lennon was a Tampa Bay Devil Rays fan…

“Lost” actress Michelle Rodriguez chose five days in jail over 240 hours of community service after being sentenced for drunk driving.

It’s not too often a person finds jail to be the most appealing option. It was either spend five days in the slammer or read to old people in nursing homes. And she chose jail. How do you think that makes my Grandma feel? Although if I had to choose between going to regular jail or going to old people jail, I would have to think about it for awhile too. They both serve Jello, so that’s a push. There’s less chance of being shanked in a nursing home, but I think that regular jail would probably have better magazines. So I guess like most of the decisions in my life it comes down to magazine selection. It’s how I picked my last dentist. Sure he works out of the back of a van, but you know what, he always has the newest issue of Cat Fancy. Seeing a tabby cat dressed up in a sailor uniform will always be more important to me than my dental hygiene and I refuse to apologize for that.

Rapper 50 Cent is part of a new campaign to prevent childhood obesity. He says that the key to his physical fitness has been regular exercise and his personal chef.

I can’t believe 50 Cent would be so irresponsible. Promoting the use of personal chefs around children. He knows he’s a role model and yet he still mentioned it. I know what’s going to happen now. Some kid is gonna hire a personal chef, just to be like Fifty, and he’s gonna bring the chef to school and then the teacher will be like “Did you bring enough personal chefs for the whole class?” The kid will say no and he’ll be sent to the principal’s office. And that’s a long walk so the kid will lose a significant amount of weight. Then people will mistakenly attribute that weight loss to the personal chef, immediately causing a national “personal chef” fad. The personal chef market will explode and line the pockets of their anonymous Grand Master. Anonymous until now that is. I know what you’re doing Chef Boyardee and I’m here to put a stop to it. I don’t care how many free cans of Beefaroni you slide my way, I’ll fight you to the bitter end.

Kevin Costner was accused of performing an indecent act during a massage at a Scottish hotel.

He showed the masseuse the director’s cut of Waterworld.

David Copperfield narrowly escaped being robbed while walking back to his tour bus by tricking the robbers into thinking his pockets were empty.

After he convinced the robbers that his pockets were empty, he had them pick a card, any card. He guessed the 4 of spades and their card was actually the 4 of hearts. But I guess that pocket thing was still pretty decent… Actually no it wasn’t. You’re getting sloppy Copperfield. If you don’t shape up I’m gonna freeze you in a block of ice with David Blaine. And that guy seems like he could get pretty annoying.

A University of California - San Diego researcher has discovered that common songbirds may be able to learn grammar.

I can’t believe this. Those songbirds have totally been holding out on me. If they can learn grammar, they can teach grammar. And if they can teach grammar they could have done my english homework for me in elementary school. I paid off so many kids to do my homework in elementary school that I spent years working off the candy bar debt. And to think that I could’ve just grabbed a Starling and a bag of birdseed instead. I could have been the next Noam Chomsky for all I know. Which ain’t much when it comes to grammar. Thanks songbirds. Thanks for nothing.

A California woman has sued her former company for $1.2 million after she was spanked at work as part of a sales contest.

A sales contest? That’s a new one. I’ve been spanked at weddings, funerals, bake sales… but I’ve never been physically spanked at a sales contest. Sure, I’ve been figuratively spanked in a sales contest, I’m too horrible of a salesman for that not to have happened. But physically? That’s crossing a line. I have a very sensitive ass. It cried at the end of “The Notebook”, just to give you an idea of how sensitive it is. If anyone ever spanked me at a sales contest, I would sue for $1.2 million too but I would also demand a turkey sandwich. Because I’m pretty hungry right now and it sounds good to me. I think I’d settle for ham if the defense lawyers pressed me, but if they try to bring bologna into the equation, I’m walking away from the table. I can’t stand for bologna. And I can’t sit because someone just spanked me. They’ll be hearing from my lawyer.