This Papercut Could Be Life-Threatening

What follows is a harrowing and sometimes graphic account of the hours following a papercut I got recently. Read at your own risk.

9:20pm - I feel like I’m about to die. I just got the world’s worst papercut from a roll of toilet paper. My life is literally flashing before my eyes, and it’s really boring. You know what, I don’t remember my life having this many tampon commercials. Okay, I think I’m actually watching a Caroline in the City rerun.

9:35pm - I believe that roll of toilet paper was placed in my bathroom by some kind of international assassin. That’s the theory I’m working with right now. So many people want me dead that it’s hard to pinpoint who could be behind this. Fortunately most of the people who want me dead are funeral home directors. Somebody get me the yellow pages!

9:48pm - Okay, I’m thumbing through the yellow pages here. Mmm, pizza sounds good. No. I have to stay focused. Funeral home directors. Hmm. Here they are. Michael Smith, Ray Feltman, Jonathon Killaaronquinn… Oh, I’m never gonna figure this out. I need to hire a private detective, or at the very least a public detective. I’m not sure what the difference is. I have a feeling a public detective would be slightly less discreet, yet slightly more willing to accept Saltine crackers as a form of currency. I think I’ll just put some crackers on a plate outside my door now and see what kind of detective that attracts.

10:12pm - The saltine crackers were largely a failure. I found one squirrel who said he would take the case, but he didn’t have an honest face so I couldn’t go through with it. He still took a cracker though. I’m totally gonna blow up the tree he lives in now. When I take revenge on squirrels, I go big.

10:47pm - My papercut has started to heal. I think I’ve proven my toughness now, having survived this kind of adversity. I don’t want to make myself seem like some kind of a hero or anything like that, but that papercut was over three millimeters deep. Sometimes in your life you have to take a stand and mine is this: when it comes to describing papercuts, I will only use the metric system. It’s a long standing policy of mine and I refuse to back off of it under any circumstances. Unless someone baked me a fresh pan of brownies, then I would probably give in immediately. Yes, I like brownies more than the metric system. Sorry, Canada.

11:03pm - One last thing. A message for whoever tried to kill me: If you try that crap again, I am going to seriously consider warning you that I may in the future give you a pretty stern talking to. At your discretion.