Emily Post’s Guide To Getting Hit By A Car

in Comedy by Aaron Quinn — September 18, 2009 at 9:32 | 1 comment

A recent report from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration estimates that the average person will get hit by a car 3.7 times over the course of their lifetime.

As the following chart shows, that number puts humans in about the middle range among man and beast:

Average Lifetime “Getting Hit By A Car” Incidents

14.7 times   Segway Riders (13.9 times are intentional)
11.3 times   Mr. Magoos
6.9 times     Squirrels
3.7 times     Humans
2.8 times     Deer
1.5 times     Ghosts

So, it turns out that ghosts are pretty agile. That shouldn’t be a surprise though. After all, they’re dead and they have an unlimited amount of time to get their cardio done.

But hey everybody, we beat squirrels!

The truly good news is that as long as you follow a few simple rules, getting hit by a car doesn’t have to be such an unpleasant situation to deal with.

Here’s a quick refresher course on getting-hit-by-a-car etiquette:

1) Collect your internal organs quickly and discreetly.

Leaving your internal organs just laying around after you’ve been hit can be a real social faux pas.

Imagine that there’s a guy walking to work and he’s on a five-year waiting list to get a new heart. How do you think he’s going to feel when he sees you laying there whining about how your heart is getting all dirty on the street.

“Oh no, my heart is covered in gravel and I’m bleeding internally.” See how small and petty that sounds.

Plus, all that whining is going to make the person that hit you feel like a real jerk.

2) You own anything that becomes embedded in you.

Sometimes, if the collision is violent enough, pieces of the car will go flying everywhere. The good news for you is that anything that gets embedded in your skin is yours to keep.

Unfortunately, the kind of debris you end up with is just luck of the draw. And it usually favors the car owner. Honestly, sometimes it seems like for every 6-disc CD changer that lacerates your spleen, three tire irons get lodged up your ass.

Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself if the driver challenges you on an item. Even before George Bush signed the Spineders-Keepers Act of 2005, the law was firmly on your side.

3) If it’s a hit and run, count to sixty before you attempt to catch the vehicle.

Sure, if a car hits you and immediately drives away, it can be kind of annoying. But try to keep things in perspective. They were probably just late for an important meeting or needed to get to Burger King before they stopped serving breakfast.

However, the most likely scenario is that they’re challenging you to a game of hide and seek. So close your eyes, count to sixty, and then start looking. If you try to chase the vehicle before the minute is up, that’s cheating. You’re not a cheater, are you?

That’s it. Now go out there and get hit by a car. But make sure you do it politely.

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