I Had To Fire My Butler Today

in Comedy by Aaron Quinn — April 28, 2009 at 23:09 | 1 comment

It was a sad day for me because I was forced to fire my butler this morning. I’ve been hearing all about this “recession” on the news lately, but it didn’t really hit home until now.

I held out as long as I could, but it had to be done. I couldn’t do it in person though. It would have been too painful. So I ended up writing him a letter explaining that I was firing him. I also explained how he could save a bunch of money on his diabetic testing supplies from Liberty Medical. I thought it would soften the blow.

Wait, scratch that. I didn’t explain that to him. Wilford Brimley explained that to me. I guess I got a little confused. Cut me a break here. A guy doesn’t fire his butler every day you know.

Anyway, I wanted to send the letter through the post office, but I couldn’t afford any stamps so instead I just rolled it up, put it inside a bottle of Miller Lite, and threw it into the ocean.

In hindsight, I probably should have drank the MIller Lite first, but I don’t want to second guess myself too much here. Also, he doesn’t live near the ocean and is afraid of water. But now I’m just nitpicking.

I really hope that he finds the letter before coming into work tomorrow afternoon. Otherwise things could get a little awkward.

At least he won’t be able to get into my house though. I will never answer my own door. Too proud to do it.

I plan to gut my way through the recession. Don’t you worry about me. I’ve already transformed my robotic vacuum cleaner into a makeshift butler. It’s amazing what a classy sportcoat can do for a household appliance.

It doesn’t deal with corners as well as the old butler did, but on the other hand it doesn’t complain as much when I kick it. It’s a mixed bag.

Also, I save money by not having to pay for its health insurance. Although I have heard the toaster whispering about forming a union.