The official website of comedian Aaron Quinn.

Get them while they’re hot.  Only two made before the mold was destroyed!

Pat Robertson predicted Tuesday that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in a mass killing late in 2007.
I’m trying to be optimistic, but I’m pretty sure this news is going to overshadow my prediction for the coming year, which is that there will be a mass emailing late in 2007. My prediction also involves terrorists, but my terrorists are much less concerned about religious extremism and much more concernced about erectile dysfunction.

Much like Pat Robertson, Jesus told me that this would happen. And then he tried to sell me a bottle of Adderol for $1.27. What a ripoff! Buddha totally undercut him with an amazing offer of $0.78 for a crate. It’s like I always say, when you get deities competing in a free market, everybody wins.

Lindsay Lohan To Have Surgery To Remove Her Appendix
Lohan’s public relations team is saying that it’s because of appendicitis, but I don’t buy it. I think she’s having her appendix removed in order to make room for a second liver. I’m not necessarily saying that she’s an alcoholic. A lot of people need two livers. Like siamese twins or your local black market organ dealer.

You’ve got to keep a base level of inventory in the organ dealing business. That’s the first thing they tell you on the streets. For example, if the Marlboro Man comes around and you’ve only got one lung to sell him, who looks like a sucker? You do. I guess what I’m trying to say is this. First, are you a cop? Because if you are, you have to tell me. And second, does anyone want to buy a gall bladder?

Astronauts on the Atlantis space flight, which launched this week, add some loose bolts to the junk left floating in space.

I told the Food Network that a cooking show in space was a bad idea, but they went ahead and sent Emeril up there anyway. Bam! That’s the noise that spatula will make when it slaps Neil Armstrong across the face on his next space flight. “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for man- owwwh! Was that a cheese grater?”. That’s what his quote would have been if the foodies had gotten their way earlier.

And you know what, you can’t eat for $30 a day on the moon. I don’t care what Rachel Ray says, it’s a huge tourist trap. But if you do go to the moon someday, I recommend staying in a giant crater. Sure, you could stay at the Hilton, but the free continental breakfast there is not worth it. And besides, how often do you get to sleep in a giant crater? Also, all giant craters on the moon have free HBO. Where else can you catch the latest episode of Entourage while battling crippling hypothermia? And don’t tell me Mars cause that place only gets Cinemax.

Janet Jackson To Appear Topless On The Cover Of Vibe Magazine

This is not a good career move for Janet Jackson in my opinion. She has already been topless in the Super Bowl, an event seen by millions of people. Now she’s going to be topless in Vibe magazine, a magazine read by dozens of people who have already read all the other magazines at their dentist’s office. Is she just going to continue to be topless in smaller and smaller venues? Next week she’ll probably go topless in Cat Fancy magazine or something. It would have a even smaller audience and also would really confuse a lot of old ladies. Because I’m pretty sure that magazine is about cats. They’ll be like “Oh look at the kitten playing with a ball of yarn. How cute! Oh what’s this? Janet Jackson’s breasts! And not a kitten in sight! OH MY!” And then that hypothetical old lady would probably die from a heart attack. You want that on your conscience, Janet?

A jury awarded $61 million to two FedEx Ground drivers of Lebanese descent who claimed a manager harassed them with racial slurs for two years.

That’s quite a blow to FedEx. Sixty one million dollars is a lot of money. Plus, to add insult to injury, they just found out that their competitor, UPS, could have delivered those racial slurs in half the time and at one third of the price. That’s just better racism value for your money.

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What follows is a harrowing and sometimes graphic account of the hours following a papercut I got recently. Read at your own risk.

9:20pm - I feel like I’m about to die. I just got the world’s worst papercut from a roll of toilet paper. My life is literally flashing before my eyes, and it’s really boring. You know what, I don’t remember my life having this many tampon commercials. Okay, I think I’m actually watching a Caroline in the City rerun.

9:35pm - I believe that roll of toilet paper was placed in my bathroom by some kind of international assassin. That’s the theory I’m working with right now. So many people want me dead that it’s hard to pinpoint who could be behind this. Fortunately most of the people who want me dead are funeral home directors. Somebody get me the yellow pages!

9:48pm - Okay, I’m thumbing through the yellow pages here. Mmm, pizza sounds good. No. I have to stay focused. Funeral home directors. Hmm. Here they are. Michael Smith, Ray Feltman, Jonathon Killaaronquinn… Oh, I’m never gonna figure this out. I need to hire a private detective, or at the very least a public detective. I’m not sure what the difference is. I have a feeling a public detective would be slightly less discreet, yet slightly more willing to accept Saltine crackers as a form of currency. I think I’ll just put some crackers on a plate outside my door now and see what kind of detective that attracts.

10:12pm - The saltine crackers were largely a failure. I found one squirrel who said he would take the case, but he didn’t have an honest face so I couldn’t go through with it. He still took a cracker though. I’m totally gonna blow up the tree he lives in now. When I take revenge on squirrels, I go big.

10:47pm - My papercut has started to heal. I think I’ve proven my toughness now, having survived this kind of adversity. I don’t want to make myself seem like some kind of a hero or anything like that, but that papercut was over three millimeters deep. Sometimes in your life you have to take a stand and mine is this: when it comes to describing papercuts, I will only use the metric system. It’s a long standing policy of mine and I refuse to back off of it under any circumstances. Unless someone baked me a fresh pan of brownies, then I would probably give in immediately. Yes, I like brownies more than the metric system. Sorry, Canada.

11:03pm - One last thing. A message for whoever tried to kill me: If you try that crap again, I am going to seriously consider warning you that I may in the future give you a pretty stern talking to. At your discretion.

I like how some advertisements try to make the business seem really personal. They’re like “Hey, and when you come in. Just ask for Steve and youll get 15 percent off!”. It’s a decent strategy but it could backfire on them. What if something happens to Steve? That could be awkward…

AT THE TIRE STORE:

ME
Hey, I’d like to talk to Steve.

TIRE SALESMAN
Yeah, um, Steve was eaten by wolves.

ME
But the commercial…

TIRE SALESMAN
Yeah, that’s was pre-wolves.

ME
Do I still get 15 percent off?

TIRE SALESMAN
Yes, but there’s a new standard wolf insurance charge of 20 percent.

ME
Wow, that’s pretty pricey for wolf insurance.

TIRE SALESMAN
Yeah, but if you ask for Bill we’ll give you an extra 25 percent off.

ME
Okay, I’d like to talk to Bill please.

TIRE SALESMAN
Sorry Bill’s not here. He was eaten by wolves.

ME
But you just said…

TIRE SALESMAN
Now you know why wolf insurance rates are skyrocketing. We tried shopping around for a better price, but all the insurance agents had been eaten by wolves.

ME
Even the Gecko?

TIRE SALESMAN
The Gecko sells car insurance, not wolf insurance. But yes, he was eaten by wolves.

ME
Okay. Bye then.