Surviving A Plane Crash With Mr. Peanut

in Comedy, Featured Articles by Aaron Quinn — March 24, 2009 at 19:41 | 1 comment

Here’s the scenario: Your plane has crash-landed in the icy Andes mountains. The only survivors are you and Mr. Peanut. How do you come out alive?

Rescuers will probably come for you, but it could be a while. Now don’t panic, but you’ve obviously got an “Alive” situation on your hands here. Luckily for you, your fellow survivor is one of America’s favorite salted snacks.

You’re going to need Mr. Peanut around, at least at first, to help out with setting up camp. And you’ll probably want him to teach you how to start a fire using a monocle as well. But make no mistake, eventually you’re going to have to eat the guy.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1) He knows you’re going to try to eat him. And he’s going to be kind of pissy about it.

If you’re wondering why he snapped at you about gathering that firewood, here’s your answer. It’s not really about the firewood, it’s more about how you’re days away from cracking his shell to get at that delicious, high-protein peanut goodness.

To counteract this, take an interest in something he enjoys talking about. Maybe you could ask how his stocks are doing. With that stylish monocle and fancy cane, you can bet that he’s an upper-middle class peanut.

2) Get that cane away from him as soon as possible. And beware the top hat.

You don’t want to be at the business end of Mr. Peanut’s cane. And both ends of Mr Peanut’s cane are the business end. Trained in martial arts at a young age — when he briefly considered a career in Chinese food — that cane is a deadly weapon. You’ll need to get creative if you want him to part with it.

Try breaking one of your legs and ask to use it to keep yourself upright. Or develop a “Survival Plan” Powerpoint presentation and subtly hint that you could use some kind of pointer for emphasis.

Mr. Peanut’s top hat is a wildcard and you’ll want to get rid of it as soon as possible. No one knows what’s under there. Some say it’s a Colt 45 pistol. Others say it’s the first two seasons of Blossom on DVD. Either way, you don’t want to be caught off guard. I suggest accidently starting it on fire.

3) Don’t wait too long to make your move.

This one is pretty basic, but a lot of people forget about it. If you wait too long, you run the risk of Mr. Peanut, your buddy/meal, catching Salmonella. And if there’s anything worse than explosive diarrhea, it’s explosive diarrhea on a glacier.

Follow these simple tips and you’ll survive this adversity without coming off like a complete jerk.

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